I feel I must issue a warning….this post of long and full of sappy sentiment. But I really wanted to get it “written” down and I thought I’d share it with you. I know many of you who read my blog have been down a difficult parenting journey and that it is easy to take our partner for granted. It is easy sometimes not to see that the love in our relationship has not withered, but rather changed and become enriched. So, if you feel so inclined, feel free to read on. I wrote this mostly as a way of thanking my husband for all he does.
I’ve been thinking about how our definition of love changes as we get older and our relationship with our partner matures. Brandon and I met in November of 1999. Our first Valentine’s Day together was in 2000. We were already crazy for each other and discussing marriage. Brandon planned a lovely series of events to commemorate our first V Day. I arrived home in my apartment after a business trip, dog-tired from an east coast-west coast non-stop flight. A huge bouquet of roses greeted with a card and instructions not to make any plans for the Valentine’s weekend.
Brandon took me up to a lovely bed and breakfast that weekend. We snowboarded, had lingering breakfasts and dinners, and he showed himself to be a very romantic soul. I love this man. I love the man that planned romantic dinners and getaways. I love the man who was involved in everything. It seemed that every night there was something happening. Whether it was playing in a basketball league, cooking dinner together, meeting friends out, etc, we were always doing something. I love the man who would surprise me each and every year on V Day with something I didn’t expect.
In February 2004, I was feeling dejected about a trip to Italy that we were planning for that July. I had been planning on using some frequent flier miles for our tickets to allow us to have the cash we had put aside over the winter for all of the other trip expenses. I had not really planned ahead far enough for the flights and all the reward seats were full. I just knew that we didn’t have the money to pay for the tickets and all of the other expenses. I arrived home on V Day 2004 to a lovely card and a letter he had written about the kind of wife I was. In it he thanked me for how well I take care of myself and for putting my body into amazing shape to carry the baby we would be planning to start trying for later that year. He talked about having balance in life. That it is important to save, to plan, and to spend wisely. He said it is also important to grab some of life’s moments when you have the chance. The letter went on to read that soon we would have a curious toddler running around the house and our chance to go to Italy on our own was now or years away. He didn’t want to wait 20 years to hold my hand as we walked through the Roman ruins or to kiss me on a gondola in Venice. He wanted to create those memories now. The letter instructed me to look under our DVD player. In an envelope under the DVD player was an envelope with enough cash to buy our tickets. He had cashed in a small amount of stock and decided he wanted this trip for me and for us.
These are just a few examples of the reasons I fell in love with my husband. And all of those reasons are important. But love grows, changes, and deepens. The true measure of the man I married has really been revealed in the last 2 1/2 years.
We had the pregnancy that started great and ended with an extremely premature baby. We endured a 15 week NICU stay that was trying in every way possible.
On the day I was released from the hospital (5 days after Aidan’s birth–I was fairly sick and needed a few extra days of monitoring) my post-partum hormones were in full surge. I knew I was leaving the hospital without my baby and Aidan’s condition (while it has stabilized) was still tenuous. We had a wonderful primary nurse that arranged for me to hold Aidan for the first time that day. I will never forget it.
As we drove away from the hospital later that day I was feeling beaten. My body felt beaten and my soul felt beaten. We were driving home without our baby. This was certainly not how I had planned it. Everyone’s dream is to come home with their bundle of joy, greeted with bouquets and gifts from well-wishers, and revel in being new parents home with their beautiful baby. What was there to celebrate about this day for me I wondered. The answer I came up with was nothing. What on earth had I done that was worthy of celebration?
I was overcome with emotion when Brandon drove around the first curve into our neighborhood and there it was. A neighbor had helped him completely deck out the front yard in celebration of the arrival of Aidan. I was stunned. I am sure more than one passerby stopped in their tracks (and maybe even backed up to have a second look) when they read the birthweight on that sign. But that didn’t matter to me. Somebody (the most important somebody—my husband) was announcing his pride and joy to the world. He showed me true love at that moment. I felt like an immense failure, yet he wanted to show me that all I had done to get Aidan to be viable and strong was something he was proud of.
On Valentine’s Day 2006, Aidan had been home for about 2 months. I had done a lot of soul searching about the issue of returning to work. The conclusion I had come to internally was that I desperately didn’t want to. On that night, I finally shared with Brandon that I didn’t want to put Aidan in anyone else’s care. That I thought with his early start that he needed me. (Not very fair of me to decide to broach this on V Day, huh? :-)) I explained the ideas I had come up with to supplement our income while we transitioned to bringing in less money. The major one involved me cashing in the stock options from the company I worked for. To my surprise, he said yes. He said that all my reasons were good ones and that if it was that important to me we needed to try to do it. He expressed that part of a good partner’s job is to try to help your partner achieve their goals and dreams.
Brandon never planned to have a SAHM for a wife. Heck, I never planned it. I always thought I wouldn’t be good at it, wouldn’t like it. Brandon has made numerous financial sacrifices along the way, paring back activities such as golfing in order to help us make our budget. He went back to a very harsh work environment in February of 2006 because it was important to keep me home. Later that spring, he found a job he was excited about and it came with a raise.
My husband thinks it is very important for me to have a break, so he always makes time to get me out of the house by myself once a week. He gladly takes Aidan for the day and they have a grand time together while I unwind and refocus.
My husband works hard. When he arrives in the door at 6 from a long day, I know he would love to just go put his feet up. He never does. Ever. I am sure a bigger part of him would love to be doing what we used to do after work…activities, dinners, sports, etc. Instead he walks through the door, plants a kiss on me, and scoops Aidan up into his arms with tons of hugs and kisses. He devotes the next 2 hours to our family. He entertains Aidan (who has missed him all day) while I put the finishing touches on dinner. Most nights he takes Aidan duty during dinner…helping Aidan get his food cut up, etc so I can have a break from doing that and enjoy a hot dinner. He never complains about this. He takes turns with me every other night reading Aidan bedtime stories and getting him settled into bed. I admit to many times turning up the monitor just a bit so I can hear the two of them. Brandon making Aidan giggle and vice versa. The two of them talking and sharing stories. Brandon giving Aidan kisses and whispering how much he loves him.
At least once on the weekend, Brandon wakes up with Aidan and tries to get me some extra rest. Many times he will be the one to respond in the middle of the night if Aidan needs us.
THIS is the stuff that men are made of. This is love. Not that I don’t love the romance. I still do. And Brandon still finds lots of ways to be romantic, but it is tougher once the kids arrive. The word spontaneous all but ceases to exist. In truth, romance is so much easier than the daily affirmations of love that my husband performs each and every day of our lives. I am sure there are times people have thought I don’t deserve him, myself included.
Deserving or not, I am grateful. I got lucky. Sure I chose carefully. I chose a good looking, athletic, fun-loving, romantic guy. I got so much more. So much that is important that is not always on the checklist. Brandon is loyal, optimistic, supportive, hard working, and most importantly completely in love with his wife and child. He deeply loves his family and everything he does is part of the bigger plan for our happiness as a family.
But I definitely got lucky. I am lucky.
Happy Valentine’s Day Brandon. I love and appreciate you more than you could know.
