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I did it.  I finally let somebody else watch Aidan and spent my first night away from him.  I think most parents are nervous about the first time they leave their child with somebody else overnight.  I can say with certainty, that I was not very nervous in doing it when the time finally came….it just took me an awfully long time to do it.  With Aidan being early and having many health concerns in the beginning, I definitely didn’t feel right about going away for an overnight trip.  Brandon has had to do some business trips away, but, of course I was here with Aidan, so this was the first night he was without us both.

My brother and sister-in-law graciously volunteered to watch him overnight on our first night in Portland over the Christmas holiday. 

I really think my husband was almost in shock.  I’m sure there was part of him that wondered if we’d ever get away alone together.  It didn’t take him long to get online and book a beautiful dinner, towncar, and hotel down in Portland. 

So, on Sunday, the 23rd, we got Aidan settled in with my brother’s family, briefed them on everything Aidan and headed out for our overnight date.  We checked into the hotel and enjoyed a bottle of wine while we got ready for a nice dinner out.  We watched a movie, sipped wine, talked, and all of the sudden….RELAXED.  Suddenly it hit me that I was not going to be responsible to tend to Aidan if he had a nightmare or wake up with him to get him breakfast. 

It felt strangely foreign.  But good.  I looked at my husband as we were drinking wine and realized, “Gosh I miss him.”  I miss the days when sipping wine, chatting, and getting ready for an evening out was commonplace.  I miss the lack of responsibility.  I think it goes without saying, that we ADORE our son and we love spending time with him. 

But having a child puts your relationship a bit on the back burner.  I think most responsible, loving parents do this.  And most of the time I really don’t mind.  But occasionally I realize that sometimes I miss who I was.  To say that becoming a parent does not change who you are is foolish.  It has changed a lot.  Mostly for the better.  And I admit that I feel a twinge of guilt even writing this post.  I caught a glimpse of a wedding photograph on our dresser a couple of days ago and wondered if we will ever feel quite that way again.  My sweet husband says he is sure of it.  That it is just a matter of time as Aidan becomes more independent and we do get more couple time back.  What I do know when I look at this picture is that I still love the man in the picture just as much.  But that I need to work on loving myself as much as I did back then.  I was confident in who I was.  I still had my innocence in a way.  Sure I was 30 and had a successful career, and had experienced a lot of life.  But still innocent.  Innocent to how truly heartwrenching and painful life can be.  The problematic pregnancy and Aidan’s prematurity have stripped that innocence away.   

I want that girl back.  And I am going to get her back.  It means really grasping that against all odds our 2 year old boy is happy and healthy.  It means finding more opportunities to do things that fall outside the scope of being Lori the mom and Lori the wife.  Getting together with friends more.  And definitely finding some more opportunities to slip away for a night with my husband again.  In so many ways I didn’t want our night to end.  For a few precious hours, I felt the stress and worry of the last 2 years slip away. 

For those of you wondering about the picture than made me melancholy.  Here it is.  It was a shot that we didn’t know the photographer was taking.  We had just come into our reception after having been on a horse and carriage ride from our ceremony.  We look desperately in love and like we don’t have a care in the world.  I treasure this picture.   It reminds me why I married my husband and makes me aspire to get back there.