beautifulinmyeyes.net

This is the first young friend I have lost in my life.  I have lost young acquaintances to tragic deaths, but never somebody this close.  I hesitated to write about this, but it has affected me profoundly.

(The names of the family involved are being “blinded” by using only initials for the sake of privacy.)  Monday, December 15 was a pretty average day.  Brandon and I were sitting on the couch watching something we had recorded on the DVR.  I heard my cell phone ringing in the bedroom, noticed it was 11pm and figured it was a wrong number.  It rang again 2 minutes later.  I ran into the bedroom to see who was calling.  It was our very good friend Clay.  I picked up and his voice was ragged and shaky.  He said, “Lori, we’re pulling up to your place right now.  I need  you to send Brandon out.  I need him.  There is no easy way to tell you this, but R killed herself tonight.”

I scarcely remember telling Clay that Brandon would be right down and sobbing “Oh my god” over and over while I hung up.  I stumbled into the living room and told Brandon he needed to go outside right now and that R had killed herself.

Clay, his wife Linda, and Brandon drove over to their house to be with R’s husband S.  I stayed here with Aidan since he was sound asleep.  I just stood in the living room and sobbed not knowing what had happened and just that my friend was gone.

Clay and Linda, S and R, and Brandon and I were all friends.  We had known each other as couples for over 7 years now.  S and R had their son N in December 2006.  Aidan and N played together whenever we all got together.  R was just 33 years old.

My mind was reeling.  When had I last talked to her?  A week or so ago.  Had she seemed depressed?  No.  What on earth had happened?

Brandon called a couple of hours later to let me know what was going on.  He would probably stay the night and help S with N and all of the stuff that was going on.  It turns out R hung herself.  S walked in to find her.  He tried CPR to no avail.  She was already gone.  Their sweet little son N walked in at some point and did witness S trying to revive R.  I worry so much that N will have a memory of that moment.

Aidan and I went over the next day.  He and N played happily and kept N busy while there were dozens of friends and family coming and going through the house.  When I saw S, I walked over to him and put my arms around him.  He fell against me and began sobbing.  I have never felt so powerless to comfort somebody before.  I just told him that we love him and his son and we will do whatever we can for them.

The next few days saw Brandon spending a good bit of time over there helping to organize things and Aidan and I coming over to play with N and just be there.

R’s funeral was that Friday.  The casket was open prior to her being cremated.  We all got to pay our final respects to her and see her one last time.  Brandon went down early with the family and I stayed with Aidan and N and played.  S felt that N was too young for it and didn’t want the last memory of his mom to be her in a coffin.   The boys and I played happily.  We played trains and tackle Lori.  They loved that one.  Aidan seemed to sense that N needed his friendship in a different way than normal.  He kept extending his hand to N and saying, “Come on, N, let’s go play.”  And then he would lead  him to another activity…almost like a big brother.  He seemed to be very happy to have a young playmate.  But about every 15 minutes or so, N would climb into my lap, straddle his legs around my waist and give me a hug.  Then he would run both his hands through my hair and I remembered that he used to do that to his mom.  I felt like my heart would break. 

Then Brandon came back and played with the boys while I went to the main service.  He played with them and fed them lunch and then brought them both to the lunch after the service.

R didn’t really look like herself in the casket.  She is Indian and had the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen.  She had a gorgeous wide smile and an infectious laugh.  I was looking at her with her eyes closed and the vivacious personality that ignited the smile and laugh were gone.  I whispered to her that I promised I will watch after her son and that I will miss her terribly.

The service was a Hindu service and the lengthiest I have ever been to.  It was difficult to watch S saying goodbye to his young wife. 

I am filled with questions, sadness, and lots of other emotions.  I so wish she would have felt like she could have said something to somebody.  Why didn’t any of us pick up on this level of depression?  I vacillate between feeling empathy and anger.  Empathy for somebody who could feel so hopeless that they could leave their 2 year old boy behind.  And anger at her for leaving her husband and son to pick up the pieces.  I realize these are all part of the natural grieving process.

The thing that is the hardest of all to wrap my mind around right now is that I will never see her again.  We will never talk about our boys (our little ones or our “grown up” ones).  We will never have dinner again.  I will never see those beautiful eyes or hear that contagious laugh.  How long does it take to wrap your mind around somebody being gone forever?